and it was you.

So many things to say, but the worry that those things said will only make it all worse. The day I met you, although I didn't think "this is the man I am going to marry", I did feel that you were someone that perhaps I had been waiting for without realising. 3 years and many ups and downs on, I still recognise that feeling. Even in this situation. My heart feels empty but too full at the same time. Full because I cannot let it out, let what I want to say just come out, again for fear of pushing it too far. In you I found Home. Its true. I felt safe and I felt comfortable. But for the first time I also knew what true lust was, and this time it felt right, not wrong. I learnt to find pleasure in the smaller things in life, enjoyed food I hadn't before, found passion in everyday things. You helped me open my eyes, and I realised what I had been missing for over 5 years. Joy, excitement, happiness, love... Life. It wasn't easy to get close to you, and still isn't. But the wait and the effort was worth it. I fell in love with everything that was, and still is, you. And after three years I can still honestly say, I love you. Every minute detail, everything that may have even annoyed me... Your smell and your voice. I still can't stop thinking of how amazing you are, and maybe I shouldn't. There's anger there. Anger at being left, anger at my whole world being turned upside down... But a lot of this has taught me that anger can fuck things up, anger can dull the brightest of colours... Which is why I'm glad that I am not full of anger. Maybe anger would be better than what I am feeling. Sorrow, pain, emptiness, loneliness. An aching so dull that sometimes makes breathing seem hard work. I don't need you to survive. But I don't want to just survive, I want to be happy and to love someone. You don't complete me, more like compliment. If I could take back every argument and every harsh word, I would. You say I did nothing wrong, but these things are like unwelcome ghosts. I want it all back, every part of you. Even if it is a new you, or situation. I want you in it. It hurts to write this, because I know you don't always, or maybe even often, get what you want in life. I can't physically wait, and it wouldn't be healthy. But my heart cannot give up yet... Even if I told it to. This has all come out in a jumble, if only you were here to say it to. But I miss you. And I miss all those times. I appreciated them at the time, but I feel I could have more.

right now.

i am on tumblr more. pictures come easier than words.

santamacabre.tumblr.com

i miss what we were. i miss what we could be. my heart is empty, and i'm so scared.

Formspring, oh Formspring.

Well, Formspring seems to be a place for hatin' doesn't it? I have only ever had one 'anonymous' snide comment on there before, but I know most people get it. It's very sad indeed.

When I received the very bitchy 'question' (though it was more of a statement), I was a little confused as it made no sense whatsoever.

It's very sad that people feel they can hide behind anonymity when they want to say something nasty... Now, there's really only one person who could have posted the question on mine, and I don't normally bring such things into my blog, but it's odd to see that they preach about the same thing (haters on formspring) but practice it themselves.

It's very sad of them, but unfortunately not surprising.

Luckily you don't come across hateful people so much, I don't think, though there's plenty about. I'm not perfect, infact I'm an idiot at the best of times, but if I were ever to get so spiteful and vengeful, I would feel very ashamed of myself.

Lecture/rant over!

Autumn...

I've missed you. The sound of crunching leaves (especially when the boys run through them), the need to wrap up warmer and the abundance of Halloween bits and bobs in the shops... bliss.

Random photo dump!

I'm faithful to my Blackberry, but if only it had photo apps like the iPhone...



<3

My corner! (Work in progress as far as decorating it goes!)

More webcam photos with the boys!


My sloth BEAR (people don't get when I say sloth bear, I mean sloth bear... not the 'usual' sloth, as much as I adore them!) They are usually black but the tattooist (Brad T at Thomas Street tattoo studio in Llanelli) felt it would look a bit too dark so added the brown. It hurt so bad... over 2 and a half hours of agony... being tattooed is definitely getting worse for me! And it's been hurting ever since, like hurts to put foot on the floor kinda hurting. Sob. I named him Tufty anyway :) I will definitely be going back for more work from Brad. So pleased!

Work has been... trying... lately. Rashida and Estelle, my lovely work friends, got me these today. I never get flowers and I was blown away... totally made my day!

I'm not a teddy bear kinda girl, but these are adorable... (and yes, they're on a shopping channel! My mom loves QVC!)

Lots of travelling on the coach lately... drawing, my iPod and snacks make these journeys a lot easier!

Brighton in pictures... (picture heavy!)

So! Sorry for my lack of posting lately... been super busy lately! Still weird to say that, Im not used to being busy! But... here's pictures of the Brighton trip I took with Heidi a couple of weeks ago. It was so cool just to chill out, and just as everyone said I would, I really enjoyed Brighton!

Heidi and I <3 (I look painfully gothic in some of these pics!)




We went geocaching again... so much fun!


Brighton beach



Brighton Pavillion


Brighton Pier



The old pier



I got my hands tattooed while down there, by an artist called Jonny Breeze at Inka tattoo studio. I wanted to get loose fangs, as if they had been pulled out (I like how this is used as a punishment in True Blood)... kind of gothic, but totally me! I totally flaked as soon as he started and had to stop, put my head between my legs, have a fizzy drink and have a fan put next to me. I remember the same happening when I had my fingers done. A few minutes later I was fine, and sat okay (I think!) for the rest of the tattooing.. I guess it's a shock to the system and sometimes the body is going to react that way? I'm just glad I got over it quickly!



The food we ate was amazing! Brighton is paradise for vegan food. There was the vegan breakfast (tofu, mushrooms, baked tomatoes with vegan pesto, vegan sausages, baked beans and chips, with toast and vegan spread, and tea with soya milk!) at Wai Kika Moo Kau (LOVE that place!), there was our first meal there (vegan mushroom lasagne, vegan mashed potato and butter, houmous) and so much more! We also went to Red Veg, which is a veggie/vegan fast food style cafe... but the prices were pretty expensive, the service not too good and the food just a bit... well... meh.





I also found my new favourite snack though... totally delicious and totally vegan!

We're not huge party girls, so most of our time was spent shopping and chilling out, as well as having a drink in the evenings. Whoa, we're so crazy!