is how i feel.i feel so upset and generally unhappy with myself.even though i would rather forget about it all,i think i need to relay what happened as it explains why i feel so upset.
on my dinner hour today i popped into town as i needed to go to the bank.on the way back,as i turned the corner into our street,i saw a couple walking a staffie dog.the man who was holding the dogs lead then smacked,and i mean full-force smacked,the poor creature so hard.i mean some owners are heavy handed with their dogs,but this was unbelievable.i thought he had been smacked with a stick but i couldn't 100% tell.now,seeing this happen,rather than assessing the situation and making a judgement,my animal lover and decent human being instinct took over,and i said to the owner,"do you really have to hit him so hard?"i'm an idiot,i'm stupid,i totally was not thinking.the woman of the couple charged over,and i'm sure,was so close to kicking the shit out of me.i'll admit,i was scared.she was right in my face,and livid.i can see,even though i had the best intentions,i totally should have kept quiet.simply because it wouldn't have helped the dog anyway.this woman was crazy at me,telling me she loved her dogs and she wouldn't hit them etc.and you know what i did?for once,i backed down.and i'm glad i did,because as i said my saying something in the first place,and then arguing my point,would not help the dog.so i said sorry,i tried to explain why i had said something,but i did acknowledge why she was pissed off.and even though they did smack the poor dog way too hard,and she did overreact (i don't get scared easily),i could see why she was angry.so i apologised,and strangely enough she actually said she admired me for saying something.i think we were probably both bullshitting each other,but i felt better for being able to fix it,rather than it to get even more out of control.or resulting in me getting punched.
right,so you would think that was the main occurence today.wrong.so i carried onto my house,a little shaken,but okay.i went to open the front door,and as it often is,it was open.now i'm not overly anal about things like this,living in a house that has three seperate flats on each floor,you have to expect things like that.but i was a little miffed,as the neighbours below us had told our landlord that we kept leaving the hallway lights on and that we were 'inconsiderate'.i know this as i heard every word he said when i was about to come out of our door one evening.well,it's all bullshit,we have most likely left the light on occasionally but not every time,and we are in no way inconsiderate.i was pissed at this,as it was stirring trouble for no valid reason,and it was sneaky.the neighbour in question would be pleasant to our face,but obviously not behind our backs.luckily the landlord knows that we're not like that so he was fine about it all.
what bugged me is that this person couldn't just have a friendly word with us about it,like a grown up.for all he knew he could have got us into trouble.he claims he has to pay for the lighting in the hallway.i'm pretty sure he doesn't,that even if he does a lightbulb switched on very occasionally (ie. when leaving the building in the pitch black,therefore necessitating using it)costs pennies and that it is the landlords responsibilty to change this,as obviously this man shouldn't have to pay for communal lighting.
anyway,just as i came in the hallway,this neighbour came out his door.i asked him if i could have a word,and asked him to stop turning the light off everytime we go out.y'see we walk the dogs more than a few times a day,so in the evenings,as late as 12am,we have to pop out the front.we always lock the door,and often we are literally a few steps away from the door,just enough to let the boys have a tinkle,but not on our doorstep!so when we do this,it's comforting to have the light on in the hallway,as it's not wise to be standing out in the pitch black.we are always super quiet when going in and out at such times,and we try to disturb our neighbours as little as possible in most things.
anyway,this is getting detailed,and to be honest it's making me feel upset again.basically we ended up in a huge,very loud argument.i told him that they had done numerous things that inconvenienced us,such as the doorbell ringing at 5am the other morning for an hour (by their relative/friend).they denied this,until i told them,"you let them in".then they really couldn't lie more about that.last summer they kept us awake a few nights by listening to loud music outside after 12am.they had a satelitte dish fitted right next to our bedroom window at 8am,without having the courtesy to give us a heads up (i woke up and opened the curtain to see a random workman outside our window,not good).but the thing is,we never once complained,even if we wanted to.to all this,this neighbour who expects respect from us,said "oh,poor you.i don't care"etc.he was so close to me,i honestly felt like he might hit me.his son then came and stood next to him.i was quite literally backed into a corner.a lot of shouting and swearing ensued,until mikee came down and dragged me upstairs.he was pissed at me for even mentioning this to the neighbour,and i can see why.believe me,i wish i hadn't!i was so upset,crying non-stop and shaking.i was due back at work by that time but i knew i was in too much of a state so i text my manager and explained the situation and would be in as soon as i could.she was very nice about it which made me feel a little better.
after mikee and i had discussed it,and i had rung the landlord just to let him know what had happened,i reapplied my make-up and headed back to work.i felt like creeping past their door on my way out,a little worried it may start up again,but thankfully it didn't.
all of this has left me feeling so shaken and worried.i'm worried of any repercussions,and i would hate mikee to get shit because of me.i hope nothing else happens because of it all.
more than anything,my anger scares me.i never used to be so confrontational and i'm feeling like maybe i'm a bad person.i don't think i am.i am starting to wonder if the seroxat i'm on could be contributing to this,it's a dodgy antidepressant and it apparently can bring on crazy mood swings.all i know is i want to chill out and i don't want any more confrontations.i think i need to broach this topic with my doctor.i need to let things slide and realise some things aren't worth fighting (like a light being turned off).gah,i don't like myself today.
sorry if this is a garble.i just feel upset.