Tuesday, 31 August 2010
I have always seemed to be some kind of depressed/mixed up person... but now I am older, I thought I was more normal than I once believed. And I'm not saying I'm not... Maybe 'normal' is more messed up than I thought? I think it may be. Not many people seem to just be happy nowadays... if they ever were.
Anyway, so I'm on antidepressants for my OCD. I'd like to say that if I stopped taking the Citalopram that my OCD wouldn't return... but I think it would. Just now, if I miss a tablet I get more into the OCD way of thinking (not to mention, feeling ill and miserable).
But that, I can handle. I hope to reach the point where I decrease my medication to nothing, literally. Because the tablets aren't vegan... they must have been animal tested at some point. But for now I can take my time and sort it out as soon as physically possible.
What's hurting right now (and by hurting I mean physically) is what I'm doing to myself. It occurred to me properly yesterday. I think I may self-harm. Now, not in a razor blade to my flesh way. And it's gonna sound very strange... but I have scars all over me. And how I get them (I feel like a real fruit loop even talking about it) is simply that if I get a scratch, or sore, or spot... I don't let it heal. It's like I have to pick and scratch at it until it bleeds. And I keep at it. I have sores that are months old. Yuck, it sounds terrible, which is why I think it has taken so long for me to realise, it's not just a 'yucky' thing I do, it's a big problem. And even if I try not to do it, I do it almost naturally... even while I'm half asleep in bed. I sound so strange saying all this, but I think I need to vent.
I need to stop hurting myself, I'm sick of looking a state because I refuse to let wounds heal. I don't like pain, and I don't even like scarification... So why do I do it?
Don't get me wrong. My life is good, I have no reason to complain. The only real problems I myself have had, have been purely emotional/mental. I feel like I bring it on myself. And with this small way of mutilating myself, I think I'm causing myself problems again. It's been going on for a few years now... I used to think it was the OCD, but I think it's developed into more now.
I'm so sorry for this strange post, but I'm feeling pretty alone right now, and I guess this blog is a way of getting it all out.
I'm not sure how I will get over this strange obsession I seem to have. I know I'm stronger than this, I just need to tell my body that.
Sunday, 29 August 2010
Two things seriously bugged me that day... I dropped a £10 note somewhere... and couldn't find it... SO frustrating! And I only made £16 which is such a quiet day for me... As I am going to Brighton with Heidi in under two weeks I was hoping to make some extra spending money... but hey ho, it's only money.
As usual it was lovely to catch up with my craft fair buddies, they're all so lovely. And it's brilliant to know that there are so many creative people out there!
Seen as I only sold a few items yesterday, this is what I am currently selling...
Friday, 27 August 2010
So, we headed to Pica Pica for cocktails. I am not normally a cocktail person, but Pica Pica is known for doing two for £6.60, which everyone seems to love. I chose the Apricot Cooler this time... I had wanted this drink the last time we were there, but they were out of vodka. I thought about it last night and... how on earth can a bar be out of vodka? Someone needs to sort their ordering out, haha.
I only knew Sian and Laura (Laura has known Mikee for years, and they are currently in a band together). They both brought friends along, Natalie and Elaine, who were both so lovely. It's so nice to just get out for a while and have a good time... and although it was a little nerve wracking thinking of hanging out with a group of people who all knew each other, but not me, it turned out awesome.
Later on in the evening, a girl called Chloe asked Sian if she could come meet her, as she too was going to the gig... she was coming with Jo. Jo used to be my closest friend, until we had a big falling out. We did make it up, but soon after Jo had decided she wasn't really interested in keeping the friendship going... I will admit that this episode, and the things that were said about my character and personality, really hurt me. And for the first time ever, in regards to a friendship, I climbed into bed sobbing my eyes out over it.
So anyway, Sian asked if this would be okay, and I told her it'd be fine. I knew it would be super awkward, but I like to think I'm old enough now just to suck it up and get on with it.
When they first came in, they seemed to have sat down somewhere else, and I have to say, I felt super embarassed that my presence had basically kept them away! The girls I was with were so sweet and jokingly saying they would 'back me up'... this made me smile, it's so nice to meet just genuine, lovely people... it's a real treat :)
However, Chloe and Jo came over then, and I suddenly felt so shy. Jo said hello to me, which I was shocked about, and I went all quiet and unable to make eye contact, though I did say hello back of course! It was sooo weird, but eventually Jo got chatting to me, and as weird and awkward as it was, it was nice. Really nice. And it made me realise just how much I cared for her when we were friends... you know when you fall out with someone, you look back and think "How did I even like this person?!"... Well, just seeing Jo made me realise all the good times we had together, and what a good friend she had been to me. I felt a little sad to be truthful.
Eventually it was time for everyone to head to the gig, even Lewis had popped in to say hello before he went. We'd gone to dinner on Tuesday evening, which had been nice. We were housemates and then flatmates until the start of this year, and he's a good person. We have a similar sense of humour too.
It was kinda funny to be walking off from the whole group of people... I'm always the loner, haha. But I was pretty tipsy by then, so it was definitely for the best!
Once I got home I felt pretty yucky, so crashed out on the sofa.
It felt so good to have a good night out though, and really reminded me of how much I enjoyed going out a short while back. I think it can be so easy to get stuck in a rut/comfort zone, and just stay in... But going out makes me appreciate my home surroundings even more, so I think I will keep trying to pull myself out of my shell a bit!
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
It is really hard for me to pick if I'm honest... I love my chestpiece, I am so proud to have a Saira Hunjan piece, she's amazing! I am also so honoured to have two Eckel pieces (right hand and neck) also. But I also love the tattoos I have by Dawnni, Drew Romero and Julie (Lucky 13 Tattoo, Leicester)... sorry this has turned into a bit of a name drop fest, but it's hard to pinpoint just one! They mean so much to me... well, except maybe my original half sleeves... wow, I would love to have those spaces back again to get redone.
I love your creativity! Tell us what inspires you. How did u learn to do all these crafty things? :)
So so much inspires me (I won't bore you with detail, as there is a similar answer below <3)
And I didn't really learn anything... I tend to just have a go and see what happens hehe :) I think practice makes perfect. Anyone can be creative if they put the time and effort and passion into it :)
So! I recently went through a phase where I decided that I was done in chasing up people, whether they be friends, or prospective friends. I felt like I was doing all the running, and the arranging, and basically putting all of myself in but receiving nothing back. But. I am now over that. And why? Because I know that, unfortunately, it's gonna be just little ol' me unless I do all of the above.
I'm very insecure when it comes to friendship (you noticed huh?!). I have been burnt a lot in the past, but hey, I guess we all have. I suppose I want that 'best friend' who I feel gets me completely, and despite my faults, accepts me for who I am. I can get jealous, I can get needy, I can be antisocial at the best of times... but for my good friends, I would do anything for them.
I think it's down to my age mostly. It's quite tough trying to make new friends at the age of 26. I think because people have still got friends from their teens and they're not in the same place as me..? I have never been one for groups of friends, until I was around 18... and that didn't last for that long. But in my earlier years, there was always that one best friend. I can think of them all now... so they must have been pretty special. I think I miss that.
I try not to be like some crazy, lonely girl looking for friends, but I do worry I come across this way...
Whatever. Anyway, after realising my 'no chasing friends' outlook would mean I literally would never go out socially and make new friends, I decided to try again and got onto a few girls I was meant to be seeing last week (one was ill so we cancelled). I'm now seeing them this week. They are lovely girls, and I'm definitely looking forward to getting out of the flat!
One of my main fears/worries is putting everything into Mikee. Because, as negative as this sounds, I know that if we were to finish, I would be alone, and have no-one to turn to. Though I am very lucky to have my family, I know I would need some other kind of support system. When Mikee and I broke up for a couple of weeks... well, I fell to pieces. I couldn't see any light in anything. I was broken. I couldn't eat, I couldn't see it ever getting better. It was only going home and staying at my dads for a week that put me back together again.
This dark period (however short) has always haunted me. Served as a reminder that I cannot put my whole life in one person's hands. Besides, it's not fair on them. So, as easy as it is to be totally comfortable just seeing Mikee after work, staying in and chilling out (I am such a homebody, it's almost lazy... though definitely not hermit like. That would be awful!)... I know I need to build my own life. As an individual. And besides, there's a part of me that loves going out and having fun, drinking and having a super fun time... I just need to (literally) drag it out of me.
I need to accept that not everyone is looking for that friend that will be there for them always. Some people don't need or want that. I love my own company, but I do get lonely. I am not going to let myself sink down into this hole of either being on my own, or with Mikee. It's way too easy to be solitary, and nowhere near as fun!
So, here's to actually making some effort, getting off your butt and making new friends... Giving someone new a chance, even if there is not a crazy spark when you first meet them. And surely, if somebody likes you... that is awesome.
Now, tonight I am off out for cocktails :)
Monday, 16 August 2010
I always expect friendships to break down now, because they have over the couple of years I have been in Cardiff. And before then, the group of friends I was involved with all fell out. And then my best friend pretty much ran when I got a long term(scumbag of a) boyfriend back when I was 18, as though she was grateful to be able to shift me over onto someone else. Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't a pity post. I just don't seem very... good... with friends, especially women.
I really do try my hardest with friends, but I have a feeling that may not be the best way to be... all the 'aloof' people seem to have longstanding friends, maybe I need to be a bit more like that?
Maybe I need to be willing to go out more?
I don't want to change but I think maybe I should 'adapt' a little better to those around me...
"Sometimes love isn't about how much someone suits you, but how much you're willing to change to suit them"
I'm guessing that this must be an 'ex' friend who has some issue with me... lately I have had a whole lot of shit with so called friends. In fact, this question makes no sense to me, because the only 'friends' I have lost recently are those that have hurt me beyond anything I would ever thought they could... And these 'trendy kids'... I'd love to know where these are, seen as I have maybe 3 or 4 friends, and I don't see these as often as I'd like?
I would suggest something a little more personal for such things next time, rather than using a personal ANONYMOUS site like Formspring.
Friday, 13 August 2010
Tomorrow I am once again up at 6.30am for my coach to Wolverhampton. I have been going more regularly lately, since I realised I could get the Megabus rather than the train. £12 return is a hell of a lot better than £45. I much prefer it when we all go down (Mikee, the boys and myself)in the car, but the car is up for MOT this weekend, so it's just me bussing it down again. I do enjoy coach journeys, with my ipod on and being left to my own thoughts though, it definitely makes me appreciate Mikee and the boys more when I get back.
Anyway, so I'm going to Wolverhampton for my older brother's 32nd birthday (I think it's his 32nd anyway...). Which should be nice. I never know what to get my family, so I just give them the money I would have spent on a gift. That way they can buy something they really want. I still get them a card though, that would be so lame not to!
It'll be nice to see my family. Jasmine is growing up so fast, she is seriously the happiest little girl around. And it's nice to go for a drink on Saturday evening's with my dad and his partner Joan. I'm guessing my mom and I will go for a meal on Sunday before I head back for Cardiff. Plus, it's nice to see my twin and my older brother of course.
I'm also intending to see my nan. She has been in a nursing home for a few weeks now. She is 95, and although my dad (and his sister in more recent years) have done all they can, they just can't give her the 24 hour help she needs (one of them is with her 24 hours, but they're not as good as a trained carer would be). It certainly makes you appreciate your life more, when you look at someone my nan's age. It is almost like she has reverted back to childhood in that she is unable to look after herself. It's very upsetting, but as long as she is safe, taken care of and as happy as can be expected, I think we are doing okay.
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
Anyway, so I'm going to try blogging more regularly, because I know how disappointing it is when people don't update! (Or is that just me? Hehe).
I have been making more of an effort to go out lately, and it's been nice getting to know new people. Well, people I know already, but only to say "hi" to. A lovely girl called Sian invited me to go see Eclipse last week with her (4th time for me!), as she knows I love it like she does! Before we went to see it, we had some super tasty cocktails at a place called Pica Pica. The first ones I had were lovely and citrus-y, but the others were a bit too strong for me... Either way, I ended up feeling quite tipsy! And watching Eclipse while tipsy was a little odd. I can't say I like being that way whilst watching a film (or one of my FAVOURITE films even)... I just felt a little distracted and disconnected.
Despite that though, I had a lovely time with Sian, and it felt good to get to know someone new. Like I said, I've known her to say hi to a while, and she works in the joke shop in town (cool job huh?!), but it's only since I had her roller derby team selling at Vintage Pretty that I've got talking to her. She is so dedicated to the Tiger Bay Brawler's (Cardiff's roller derby team) and I find it an absolute delight being around dedicated and hardworking people!
I've also seen Tanaz a couple of times, and she is so lovely. So easy to talk to, and of course we have the jewellery making/fair selling in common.
If there's one thing I've learnt lately, it's that while I may often feel like I'd rather stay at home and chill, once I'm up and out and with people, I'm actually pretty social... and I enjoy it, shock horror!
So with my new found 'social life' (woah there, I'm not quite a party animal yet!), I've definitely been appreciating staying in more... it's true that you need to go out to really appreciate being in! Mikee is doing his usual work shifts, so often it's just me and the boys. Luckily I do enjoy my own space, so it's not a problem normally. Though sometimes I do wish he was in more on the evenings!
So, today has been all about Hooters! Yep, you heard right! The restaurant chain is opening here in Cardiff, and the Cardiff Feminist Network were given permission to come here and do some copies of flyers etc. I can see both sides to the story, CFN want to stop them opening due to their sexist undertones (though it's not quite under, it's pretty out in the open!). I personally would never like to go eat/drink at a place like that, just because it seems so tacky and lame. I guess if the women who are going to work there want to, and get treated respectfully, it could be harmless? It just seems so very dated to me, viewing women in that way... What do you all think?
Sorry, once again, for ending my post suddenly... my blog posts seem so erratic lately, maybe I'm just meant to take a short break from it?! x
Monday, 9 August 2010
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
1. Love (family, boyfriend, friends...) 2. Animals 3. Food (love my food!) 4. Creativity 5. Films
(SUCH a hard one to answer!) xxx