Tuesday, 31 August 2010

So, this may be more serious than I thought.

I've had a weird couple of days. Yesterday it occurred to me that I may have more problems (mentally... but spilling over into physically) than I think.

I have always seemed to be some kind of depressed/mixed up person... but now I am older, I thought I was more normal than I once believed. And I'm not saying I'm not... Maybe 'normal' is more messed up than I thought? I think it may be. Not many people seem to just be happy nowadays... if they ever were.

Anyway, so I'm on antidepressants for my OCD. I'd like to say that if I stopped taking the Citalopram that my OCD wouldn't return... but I think it would. Just now, if I miss a tablet I get more into the OCD way of thinking (not to mention, feeling ill and miserable).

But that, I can handle. I hope to reach the point where I decrease my medication to nothing, literally. Because the tablets aren't vegan... they must have been animal tested at some point. But for now I can take my time and sort it out as soon as physically possible.

What's hurting right now (and by hurting I mean physically) is what I'm doing to myself. It occurred to me properly yesterday. I think I may self-harm. Now, not in a razor blade to my flesh way. And it's gonna sound very strange... but I have scars all over me. And how I get them (I feel like a real fruit loop even talking about it) is simply that if I get a scratch, or sore, or spot... I don't let it heal. It's like I have to pick and scratch at it until it bleeds. And I keep at it. I have sores that are months old. Yuck, it sounds terrible, which is why I think it has taken so long for me to realise, it's not just a 'yucky' thing I do, it's a big problem. And even if I try not to do it, I do it almost naturally... even while I'm half asleep in bed. I sound so strange saying all this, but I think I need to vent.

I need to stop hurting myself, I'm sick of looking a state because I refuse to let wounds heal. I don't like pain, and I don't even like scarification... So why do I do it?

Don't get me wrong. My life is good, I have no reason to complain. The only real problems I myself have had, have been purely emotional/mental. I feel like I bring it on myself. And with this small way of mutilating myself, I think I'm causing myself problems again. It's been going on for a few years now... I used to think it was the OCD, but I think it's developed into more now.

I'm so sorry for this strange post, but I'm feeling pretty alone right now, and I guess this blog is a way of getting it all out.

I'm not sure how I will get over this strange obsession I seem to have. I know I'm stronger than this, I just need to tell my body that.


  1. Sorry to hear that you're a feeling down at the moment. It's really brave of you to blog about it though.
    I often try and hide how down I feel (which if I'm honest I dont really recall when I was last actually happy) but keeping it in just leads to bigger meltdowns.
    So well done for opening up, maybe just even admitting it to yourself might help. Now that you're truly aware of it you might be able to stop yourself doing it a bit more. I guess if it's been a sort of "habit" for a while it might take time to stop.

    I used to self harm a little a few years ago, never anything major, but deep scratches with scissors etc. I think I used to do it out of frustration. I feel silly that I did it, but I also know that at the time it felt like the only thing I could do.

    Sorry I can't be anymore help. If you ever feel like you want to vent to someone who doesn't know you personally you're more than welcome to email me (finding_me@hotmail.co.uk). I know that it can be hard sometimes telling people you're close to.

  2. I have known a few people whom have self harmed in completly different ways...I myself am guilty in the past at picking at a healing wound for no apparent reason until it has bled.When you find your self doing this draw your attention else where.You are a very creative person an artist needs an out let...As finding me, said we are always here to listen.

  3. Thank you so much both. I seriously feel embarassed that I always seem to 'find' such problems for myself, especially when I am so lucky with the life I have... this article basically says it all (though I do wonder if once I have seen something like this, there's something about me that actively trys to emulate it... Sick, I know)... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dermatillomania

    Thank you so much for your kind words, both of you lovely ladies xxx

  4. I wish I could give u a big hug right now and let you know there is nothing wrong with you, ur just human. I can understand having those feelings that take over ur life, my anxiety is something I have to deal with on a daily basis and we all deal with it differntly. I can admit where as u cut, I shop. To curb my feelings I buy tons of unecessary garbarge until I feel better!!

    Want u to know u have a friend who is always here for u even if I am a few thousand miles away!!

  5. I know exactly how you feel. I myself suffer from bipolar, anxiety, and ocd. I've struggled with it for about 6 years now and have been off all medication for the last two so don't worry it's definitley possible to function without meds! You are an amazing and beautiful person and it's sad to hear what you're going through, but you're not alone and I know you will be able to work things out! If you ever need anything let me know and I'm looking forward to getting to know you some more in your future posts!


  6. Thank you both so so so much! It makes my heart all warm and fuzzy to read your beautifully supportive comments!
    You all mean the world to me, and when I wrote this post I didn't expect such a kind and caring response... I think I'm being way too emo.
    Although sad to hear that there are so many of us out there with anxiety/depression related problems, it's a comfort to know that people like yourselves understand. It makes me feel maybe I'm not so cuckoo, and it really does touch my heart that you care so much!

    Sending love all the way over to you ALL.... and I too am always here for any of you that may be reading this xxxxx