I've had a weird couple of days. Yesterday it occurred to me that I may have more problems (mentally... but spilling over into physically) than I think.
I have always seemed to be some kind of depressed/mixed up person... but now I am older, I thought I was more normal than I once believed. And I'm not saying I'm not... Maybe 'normal' is more messed up than I thought? I think it may be. Not many people seem to just be happy nowadays... if they ever were.
Anyway, so I'm on antidepressants for my OCD. I'd like to say that if I stopped taking the Citalopram that my OCD wouldn't return... but I think it would. Just now, if I miss a tablet I get more into the OCD way of thinking (not to mention, feeling ill and miserable).
But that, I can handle. I hope to reach the point where I decrease my medication to nothing, literally. Because the tablets aren't vegan... they must have been animal tested at some point. But for now I can take my time and sort it out as soon as physically possible.
What's hurting right now (and by hurting I mean physically) is what I'm doing to myself. It occurred to me properly yesterday. I think I may self-harm. Now, not in a razor blade to my flesh way. And it's gonna sound very strange... but I have scars all over me. And how I get them (I feel like a real fruit loop even talking about it) is simply that if I get a scratch, or sore, or spot... I don't let it heal. It's like I have to pick and scratch at it until it bleeds. And I keep at it. I have sores that are months old. Yuck, it sounds terrible, which is why I think it has taken so long for me to realise, it's not just a 'yucky' thing I do, it's a big problem. And even if I try not to do it, I do it almost naturally... even while I'm half asleep in bed. I sound so strange saying all this, but I think I need to vent.
I need to stop hurting myself, I'm sick of looking a state because I refuse to let wounds heal. I don't like pain, and I don't even like scarification... So why do I do it?
Don't get me wrong. My life is good, I have no reason to complain. The only real problems I myself have had, have been purely emotional/mental. I feel like I bring it on myself. And with this small way of mutilating myself, I think I'm causing myself problems again. It's been going on for a few years now... I used to think it was the OCD, but I think it's developed into more now.
I'm so sorry for this strange post, but I'm feeling pretty alone right now, and I guess this blog is a way of getting it all out.
I'm not sure how I will get over this strange obsession I seem to have. I know I'm stronger than this, I just need to tell my body that.