I am determined to get back into blogging regularly... and about deeper things than my current favourite songs... apologies, because my blog must have been killing you lately...
So! I recently went through a phase where I decided that I was done in chasing up people, whether they be friends, or prospective friends. I felt like I was doing all the running, and the arranging, and basically putting all of myself in but receiving nothing back. But. I am now over that. And why? Because I know that, unfortunately, it's gonna be just little ol' me unless I do all of the above.
I'm very insecure when it comes to friendship (you noticed huh?!). I have been burnt a lot in the past, but hey, I guess we all have. I suppose I want that 'best friend' who I feel gets me completely, and despite my faults, accepts me for who I am. I can get jealous, I can get needy, I can be antisocial at the best of times... but for my good friends, I would do anything for them.
I think it's down to my age mostly. It's quite tough trying to make new friends at the age of 26. I think because people have still got friends from their teens and they're not in the same place as me..? I have never been one for groups of friends, until I was around 18... and that didn't last for that long. But in my earlier years, there was always that one best friend. I can think of them all now... so they must have been pretty special. I think I miss that.
I try not to be like some crazy, lonely girl looking for friends, but I do worry I come across this way...
Whatever. Anyway, after realising my 'no chasing friends' outlook would mean I literally would never go out socially and make new friends, I decided to try again and got onto a few girls I was meant to be seeing last week (one was ill so we cancelled). I'm now seeing them this week. They are lovely girls, and I'm definitely looking forward to getting out of the flat!
One of my main fears/worries is putting everything into Mikee. Because, as negative as this sounds, I know that if we were to finish, I would be alone, and have no-one to turn to. Though I am very lucky to have my family, I know I would need some other kind of support system. When Mikee and I broke up for a couple of weeks... well, I fell to pieces. I couldn't see any light in anything. I was broken. I couldn't eat, I couldn't see it ever getting better. It was only going home and staying at my dads for a week that put me back together again.
This dark period (however short) has always haunted me. Served as a reminder that I cannot put my whole life in one person's hands. Besides, it's not fair on them. So, as easy as it is to be totally comfortable just seeing Mikee after work, staying in and chilling out (I am such a homebody, it's almost lazy... though definitely not hermit like. That would be awful!)... I know I need to build my own life. As an individual. And besides, there's a part of me that loves going out and having fun, drinking and having a super fun time... I just need to (literally) drag it out of me.
I need to accept that not everyone is looking for that friend that will be there for them always. Some people don't need or want that. I love my own company, but I do get lonely. I am not going to let myself sink down into this hole of either being on my own, or with Mikee. It's way too easy to be solitary, and nowhere near as fun!
So, here's to actually making some effort, getting off your butt and making new friends... Giving someone new a chance, even if there is not a crazy spark when you first meet them. And surely, if somebody likes you... that is awesome.
Now, tonight I am off out for cocktails :)