Thursday, 10 June 2010

Working 9 'til 8...

Okay, so that's nowhere nearly as catchy as the original song, but I have infact worked 9-8 today (well, it's 6.22pm now so I am still technically working). So, I am having a quick break from writing letters and emails and such so I can attempt a half-decent blog post.

I haven't felt as inclined to blog lately, it has been a weird old time. The last few weeks I have been napping for hours at a time almost every evening... and I always wake up feeling so icky and horrible. I tend to blame it on my antidepressants, but I'm on a lower dosage now and didn't have this before. It gets to me a little as it is a very 'unnatural' feeling sleep, but I'm hoping it's no big deal. However, the other day I had these weird muscle spasms in my upper right arm, and you could even see these spasms... was so gross! So, as with everything (possible illnesses included) I googled the symptoms and came up with ME. Now, I wouldn't call myself a hypochondriac, because I don't make up symptoms and I feel this notion I have is more deep rooted than that... What notion? Well, sometimes I feel like inside I would like to have an illness. Now, even as I write this, it disgusts me... and I totally do not want an illness, not at all. But sometimes I feel like maybe I am almost 'owed' one seen as so many people around me get bad health. Does anyone know what I mean? It's a weird feeling I can't really explain, but I don't like it, not one bit. Maybe it's a way of my natural depression peeping through? I don't know what to think, but if I was ill I would be just as upset and sad and frightened as the next person.

Anyway, back to ME... I have been tested for this before, and for Aenemia and come up fine. But the symptoms of ME... chronic fatigue, muscle weakness (I was just saying to Mikee the other day, my arms feel so week and puny, they ache when I simply lift my arms above my head to tie my hair back...) and memory loss struck a chord with me. The mention of memory loss really knocked me for six, as I struggle so much with my memory in my driving lessons, and I have never been this way. My brain is blank when it comes to manouevres, even if I did them only a few days ago. So I may ask to have some blood tests again (though I hate having them, I hate needles), though I don't think it will say that I do have ME. But in a way it would be good to be able to pinpoint why I am so tired and lethargic, as I am really stumped for an explanation... I work full-time sure, but I don't go out much socially, I don't do an active job (it's admin/office work) and I sleep fine usually at night. Plus I'm vegan, and although I'm still quite a 'junk food vegan', I eat so much more healthily now as opposed to before, and back then I wasn't half as tired and zombified. Hmmm...

Besides sleeping and self-analyzing my health, I have been very busy (especially this week) with organising my fairs. I now have 5 events coming up in the next couple of months! It's exciting but tiring and I'm hoping they will all be successful. It does feel good to know that I am actively pushing myself to be more ambitious and hardworking. At the end of the day, I may not make money from organising the fairs, but at each fair I will be selling so creating more outlets for selling Santa Macabre, and hopefully creating more interest and more money in the process. I have so much to make for all these additional events though so once I get paid this month it's all systems go!

How is everyone doing by the way? You all make me smile daily with your blogs and daily experiences, and for that I am truly grateful!


  1. Hey there. Sorry to hear you're feeling low. I know what you mean about the inner illness feeling. I can't explain it, but I know EXACTLY what you mean.

    Also, ME is a terrible thing. I had it a few years ago and it lasted over a year. For the first few months I felt like you do, sleepy, weary, tired and not quite right. My memory was shot but I tried to get with my life. Working was really hard.

    After about 5 months it got so bad I couldn't get out of bed. I had to quit work. I couldn't eat and slept for 18 hours a day without feeling slightly refreshed. I lost so much weight (went down to just under 7 stone) and in that time I felt completely helpless.

    I went to the doctor nearly every fortnight for that whole year and it wasn't until I changed doctors that CBT was mentioned.

    I went for those sessions and they helped me form a routine. It was awful at the beginning. You have to eat at certain times, sleep at certain times. Sleeping from 12am until 4am and forcing yourself awake for a few hours to go back to sleep at 8am!

    It was really tough but my gosh it helped. You don't have to be referred by your GP to get access to CBT, you can even do it yourself if you're motivated and dedicated enough but you need to know where to start.

    I started taking natural energy remedies and got on really well with Ginseng. I chewed it raw, made tea with it and took the tablets. Natural energy felt so much better.

    It’s hard not to fall into a bad routine when you work all day and want to sleep all night. Every now and again I do the same, work – eat – sleep. I do however still practice my CBT routine and this is three years on!

    My best advice would be to go to the doctor, don’t mention you think you have ME but ask about CBT. Say that you’re concerned your lifestyle is affecting your health and they’ll jump at the chance to refer and help you.

    If you want to ask any questions or just a chat about it, feel free to add me to MSN or drom me an e-mail. I’ll be happy to help gunxdownxgirl @

  2. maria,

    thanks for sharing how you are feeling! this is a great place to outlet and get support from people all over who give a shit about you! (including me :D) i hope you start feeling better soon, what you are experiencing sounds awful and it is heartbreaking. keep updating us

    hope you weekend is lovely and relaxing

    xo Tyler

  3. Thank you so much Jade, it is a huge comfort to know that it's not just me who has experienced this (though obviously I feel bad for you that you had to go through all of that).

    I mean, on days like today I feel kinda silly for even thinking that I could have something similar to ME, as I don't feel half as groggy. I'm even thinking today that maybe I'm just lazy!

    But I seem to have weeks of this sleeping all evening, and then a week or so of more normal behaviour... I think maybe I should just go ask the doctor. But I've always felt like I'm dramatizing things when I go to the doctor, whether its a lump, or a mole I think is dodgy... I'm very cautious to the point of hypochondria with my health...

    Thank you so much lovelyface, I am so glad to hear you're better xxx

    Ps. Are you on Facebook?

  4. Aw Tyler! You are always so lovely and caring, you have no idea how much you all mean to me! Much love xxxxxxxx

  5. Thanks my lovely. am feeling MUCH better now. It was a crazy time that still affects me now.

    You're definately not dramatizing, if something isn't right or bugging you, you should deffo sort it out!

    I am on the facebooky.!/j4d3rv