i have felt a bit icky for the last few days.the kind of icky where if i stop still and quiet for a few minutes i realise that my eyes want to close,my head has that fuzzy feeling to it and i feel as weak as a kitten.it really does make me want to rush home and get straight into bed,all warm and cosy and soft.i have been wondering it it's my crazy pills (aka.antidepressants) that make me feel this way,but it's not a constant thing and as i take a tablet a day,i don't know how that matches up...
despite being a typical depressive goth girl for eternity,i started taking antidepressants to try and control the ocd that had eaten up my life a few years ago.i've mentioned before that i seem to collect disorders each couple of years or so.it's not intentional but i do feel lousy,i feel like i should be grateful for my good health and stop finding things to make a problem.well,that's what it feels like.
living with ocd was bizarre.looking back i can't believe i managed it so long.i mean,it was exhausting!i couldn't sit down without doing my counting/touching objects a certain number of times(from what i remember i favoured the number 9,and yes,there is a very specific,complicated and silly reason for that),i couldn't ever take a quick shower,i was always late for work due to my checking routine before leaving the flat,and all my deciding which lunch to buy often meant my lunch hour was up before i could decide.i'm pretty sure the staff in superdrug got their security guard to follow me round whenever i was in there.maybe if i explained i wasn't looking to steal but trying to choose a chocolate bar that wouldn't mean sudden death for someone close to me,they'd have stopped with the following?anyway,it was a miserable time.and unfortunately i decided to go on antidepressants.
the doctor was right.they made me feel a lot worse before they made me feel better,but about 3 months in,i started to feel better.and now,although i do have to rein myself in occasionally,y'know,with the checking craziness,i am almost totally ocd-free.not to say that i run out of our flat not caring if the cooker is still on,but i am acting very normal,which is weird for me.
...anyway,thats the shortened and less messy version of why i started to depend on my 30mg white pill a day.anyone reading this who is considering starting antidepressants,i would urge you not to.there have been nightmarish times where i have run out of tablets,and have suffered withdrawal symptoms such as sweats,crazy dreams,sickness,"fuzzy head"ness and generally feeling awful.i would encourage anyone not to start relying on any tablets,unless it is medically required.but then again i'm in a bind,as i don't think i could have got myself out of the ocd spiral without them.now i worry that animals have been tortured for the tablets i take daily,which is one of the biggest reasons i want to gradually stop taking them.but i also don't want this tiredness and sleepy feeling all the time.i don't get up to enough to make me so tired and devoid of energy,it seems a waste.as much as i love my naps,i think i could be using my time a lot more productively.hmmm.i think i will book an appointment with my doctor next week for a check up,and perhaps to review the medication i am on.