i'm driving myself crazy.my anxiety is creeping up on me more and more lately.like for example,today.i'm still feeling ill.whenever i eat anything lately,i feel like i need to go straight to the bathroom.as icky as it sounds,i can't keep anything in.so,basically i think i need to reschedule my driving lesson tonight,for when i'm better,as i don't wanna be in that situation when i'm driving...and i feel pretty flaky anyway.
now here's the thing.my mind keeps telling me when i cancel things, 'you can do it,you're just finding an excuse not to because you're a little nervous'.but i'm not crazy,i KNOW i feel under the weather and have since friday.but my anxiety beats me up over it.and i think: i'm letting my instructor down.i won't pass my driving test.why is it taking me so long to learn to drive?why aren't i better at it?all these thoughts,but i know that i will pass eventually,if i keep the lessons up.and i know that i'm not really fit to do tonights lesson.but my mind finds cancelling so stressful...and...gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.i'm driving (excuse the unintentional pun) myself insane.
my instructor don is pretty easy going,and i know he would just say "relax,chill out!" (weird when he does,as he's like a 'dad' type person,feels funny to hear him say it!) but my anxiety,as usual,wins.i wish i didn't think and feel like this,it's not such a big deal.but tonight i will feel shitty for cancelling,and i know i have the power NOT to feel shitty,but it feels like a struggle.
i hate anxiety and nerves.
"You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety." dr. cohen (garden state)