sitting here with my cup of tea,and waiting for both my hair and nail varnish to dry,so thought i'd do an update.
today has been worrying,and a little sad.my nan who is 95,had a fall last night and was sick through the night.apparently the morphine that she had been prescribed for her cancer gave her some awful side effects.my nan isn't aware she has cancer.this may sound strange but her mind has rapidly gone downhill,i don't like to use the word 'dementia',it doesn't feel right,she's my dad's mother,my nan.i don't like to refer to her by a condition.but it seems pointless to try and tell her she has cancer again (she had it probably close to 50 years ago) when she will most likely not understand it.why worry her?in not many cases is ignorance preferable,but i think this may be an exception to the rule.but basically,it's her age.95,that is a hard age to even comprehend.so anyway,it was a rough night for my dad and his sister and her family.apparently my nan even stopped breathing at some points.but she got through the night and they put her to bed at 7am.my dad text me asking him to call him.i got the text when i woke up,around 10am.because of my nan's age,i am always expecting 'that text'.so i thought it may be the time.i called my dad back and he explained the situation.i called my auntie,who was at my nans,and spoke to her.they said she was in bed asleep.my brother then called me and we talked about it all.
i offered to go home several times.i feel so useless here.i know i can't do much physically,but i want to be there for my dad.my dad is my absolute rock,and i want to be his.my dad,and my brother,said there was no need to go back,not yet.but times like this,i realise just how selfish my decision to come and live in cardiff was.i feel like i have deserted my family.and i don't know how to solve this.i would move nearer.cardiff means a lot to me,but it's just a location,a place.home is where the heart is.but.mikee has made it clear he would not move to the west midlands with me (where i come from).i won't go too much into this,but this is hard to comprehend,and hard to understand.because should something come up (like my mom waiting for chest x-ray results the other week,there was a slight suspicion that it could be cancer again-she has also been through cancer),i was thinking whether i could go back,at least for a few months,to be there for my mom,and my family.luckily,and i am so thankful,it turned out to be fine.but the discussion mikee and i had was a little unsettling.as much as i love mikee,and want to be with him for always,we are very different people,and i can't always understand his thinking.i know i would go anywhere for him,i would.and i would do anything for him.sometimes it's hard,when you realise that some people aren't like that.as much as they love you,they can't give you 101%.maybe i give too much.maybe i shouldn't,after the awful 5 year relationship i had previously,maybe i should have learned my lesson,not to give all of myself away...but no.this is who i am.i give my all.and i'm not changing that part of me.
so,today has been a worry.everything seems to have settled down.i am so upset for my nan.but i guess because i know my nan is not quite as 'aware',i am thinking a lot of my dad.to watch his mother go through this (my dad has been going to his mother's every day for over 10 years without fail,since my grandad passed away),to see her finding it hard to breathe,to see her mind slipping away...it must be heartbreaking.i love my nan,i love my dad.i wish there was something i could do.
i don't want this post to be all negative and sad.i am thankful that my nan seems to be settled for now.so,onto some slightly more trivial,but cheerful,parts of my day.mikee and i popped into town as mikee was playing a gig tonight with spider kitten (his friend's band...think they're kinda 'doom'y sounding),and needed some stuff for his drums.i needed some more glue,and some diaries!so we had a walk into cardiff city centre,which was crazy busy,just horrendous.i don't like it that busy,when just walking through town is difficult...so we did what we needed to do and headed home.phew!but we did sneak in some food from holland & barrett,an italiano slice/pastie for me,and a 'sos' roll for mikee(both vegan of course).
we got back around 1.30(we'd headed into town pretty late anyway)and watched 'the condemned',which i've seen before and just got round to buying as it was super cheap at whsmith.it looks really cheesy,and it is a little...it has 'stone cold' steve austin and vinnie jones in it...lame!and it is super violent...actually made me cringe at times.i can stomach gore/violence but i have always had a dislike of violence where it is a group of people against one...makes my stomach churn.i can't explain it.and prolonged violence too.maybe why i hate gangster films so much?:S anyway,the film has a good meaning really...i think it's basically turning a mirror to society,to us...and saying,what will we NOT watch,where will we draw the line...it's an interesting film...underneath the cheesiness,the brutal violence...and the nickelback soundtrack.seriously!
after the film,mikee had to get ready and set out for his gig,which was in 'the valleys',not far from cardiff.i got to work on customising journals for my xmas fair stall,and i think (i wasn't counting as such!) i made around 14 of them...once i get started i lose myself in it...oh,and i watched a streamed copy of new moon whilst busy crafting!i adore new moon.i could watch it over and over (probably good as it will give my copy of twilight a break!)
and finally,around 9.30 (around 5 hours after i started),i decided to call it a night and have a nice hot shower.but not before i sat with hairdye on my head for half an hour (i'm a mousy brown girl naturally,eek) and painting my nails with a lovely glittery red barry m nail polish i got today.i LOVE barry m!and most of their products are vegan,which is awesome!it was 3 for 2 in superdrug today,so i got super sparkly red,zombie type green,and a 'metallic' black liquid eyeliner...interested to see how it differs from the standard black eyeliner,hmmm:)
all in all,it's been a day of mixed emotions,unfortunately most of them sad...but i am trying to keep focused on being there for my dad,and keeping busy with my xmas fair preparations.