Tuesday, 19 October 2010
and it was you.
So many things to say, but the worry that those things said will only make it all worse. The day I met you, although I didn't think "this is the man I am going to marry", I did feel that you were someone that perhaps I had been waiting for without realising. 3 years and many ups and downs on, I still recognise that feeling. Even in this situation. My heart feels empty but too full at the same time. Full because I cannot let it out, let what I want to say just come out, again for fear of pushing it too far. In you I found Home. Its true. I felt safe and I felt comfortable. But for the first time I also knew what true lust was, and this time it felt right, not wrong. I learnt to find pleasure in the smaller things in life, enjoyed food I hadn't before, found passion in everyday things. You helped me open my eyes, and I realised what I had been missing for over 5 years. Joy, excitement, happiness, love... Life. It wasn't easy to get close to you, and still isn't. But the wait and the effort was worth it. I fell in love with everything that was, and still is, you. And after three years I can still honestly say, I love you. Every minute detail, everything that may have even annoyed me... Your smell and your voice. I still can't stop thinking of how amazing you are, and maybe I shouldn't. There's anger there. Anger at being left, anger at my whole world being turned upside down... But a lot of this has taught me that anger can fuck things up, anger can dull the brightest of colours... Which is why I'm glad that I am not full of anger. Maybe anger would be better than what I am feeling. Sorrow, pain, emptiness, loneliness. An aching so dull that sometimes makes breathing seem hard work. I don't need you to survive. But I don't want to just survive, I want to be happy and to love someone. You don't complete me, more like compliment. If I could take back every argument and every harsh word, I would. You say I did nothing wrong, but these things are like unwelcome ghosts. I want it all back, every part of you. Even if it is a new you, or situation. I want you in it. It hurts to write this, because I know you don't always, or maybe even often, get what you want in life. I can't physically wait, and it wouldn't be healthy. But my heart cannot give up yet... Even if I told it to. This has all come out in a jumble, if only you were here to say it to. But I miss you. And I miss all those times. I appreciated them at the time, but I feel I could have more.