Tuesday 19 October 2010

and it was you.

So many things to say, but the worry that those things said will only make it all worse. The day I met you, although I didn't think "this is the man I am going to marry", I did feel that you were someone that perhaps I had been waiting for without realising. 3 years and many ups and downs on, I still recognise that feeling. Even in this situation. My heart feels empty but too full at the same time. Full because I cannot let it out, let what I want to say just come out, again for fear of pushing it too far. In you I found Home. Its true. I felt safe and I felt comfortable. But for the first time I also knew what true lust was, and this time it felt right, not wrong. I learnt to find pleasure in the smaller things in life, enjoyed food I hadn't before, found passion in everyday things. You helped me open my eyes, and I realised what I had been missing for over 5 years. Joy, excitement, happiness, love... Life. It wasn't easy to get close to you, and still isn't. But the wait and the effort was worth it. I fell in love with everything that was, and still is, you. And after three years I can still honestly say, I love you. Every minute detail, everything that may have even annoyed me... Your smell and your voice. I still can't stop thinking of how amazing you are, and maybe I shouldn't. There's anger there. Anger at being left, anger at my whole world being turned upside down... But a lot of this has taught me that anger can fuck things up, anger can dull the brightest of colours... Which is why I'm glad that I am not full of anger. Maybe anger would be better than what I am feeling. Sorrow, pain, emptiness, loneliness. An aching so dull that sometimes makes breathing seem hard work. I don't need you to survive. But I don't want to just survive, I want to be happy and to love someone. You don't complete me, more like compliment. If I could take back every argument and every harsh word, I would. You say I did nothing wrong, but these things are like unwelcome ghosts. I want it all back, every part of you. Even if it is a new you, or situation. I want you in it. It hurts to write this, because I know you don't always, or maybe even often, get what you want in life. I can't physically wait, and it wouldn't be healthy. But my heart cannot give up yet... Even if I told it to. This has all come out in a jumble, if only you were here to say it to. But I miss you. And I miss all those times. I appreciated them at the time, but I feel I could have more.

4 comments:

  1. this is written as if straight from you heart. pleasure to read.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Words that pour from the heart are always the ones that we all need to hear...Beautifully written.

    ReplyDelete
  3. WE MISS YOU. Hope you are doing ok

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is such a revelatory and descriptive post. The whole time reading this I recalled at time where I too went through something similar. It's hard but at the same time I relished those feelings, numbness can be a completely different monster.

    Oh, by the way.. my name is Danielle & I just stumbled across your blog. I am intrigued. I figured I would say, "Hello"...

    ReplyDelete