so,mikee and i had a little walk around town after i finished work yesterday,as i needed to get some sock monkey making supplies.we don't get a huge amount of time together lately,so it's always nice when we do grab an evening together.
we popped to john lewis,which has recently opened in st. davids centre.i hate places like john lewis.overpriced,impersonal and devoid of individuality department store...makes me shudder!we were going in just to check out the ribbon they had there...i'd heard it was expensive (it was),but the selection wasn't great either.so i decided just to leave it and use the remainder of the ribbon i had at home.
however i did see something which really made me smile...i've seen the wu and wu tins before,though i'm not quite sure where.they had the cutest little sewing tin there,that i hope to purchase when i get paid.i decided to have a look at the website,and it was full of adorable stuff!and fairly decent prices too (average price is £15).always so nice to find sites like this one,it makes me want to buy all of it!
i remember christmas as a child,and as an early teenager.i used to love it.i used to lie awake for hours on christmas eve,so excited i couldn't sleep.i remember the atmosphere it had,the 'christmas feeling' that seemed to be in the house,outside,at school...it was amazing.when i think back on it all,it astounds me.we never had a lot of money,but that didn't make a difference.it wasn't just about presents (though we had plenty!),it was everything.something i can't put into words.i miss loving christmas.i haven't bothered about it for years now.last christmas,i didn't even put any kind of decorations up.but i think we may this christmas.mikee hates it.so i think,for him,and for me,i'm gonna try make it extra special this year.even though we will be apart over the day itself as we will be with our families,i'm going to try make this a special time for us.
so,christmas is almost here,and i have not done a thing for it yet.not a thing.i am so busy getting things ready for my stall this saturday that i don't have time for anything else.my daily schedule consists of work (9-5) and then crafting from then on,until i go to bed,which is around 1am at the moment.but i do love it,and i'm hoping the fair will be busy this saturday.if not only so that i don't have to carry all of it back again...20+ diaries and 10 sock monkeys (as well as lots of other bits and bobs)are gonna be a bit of a pain to carry on the train!
i'm hoping i make some money for the Animal Rights Prisoner Support group,they do such a good thing;providing support and help to all the AR prisoners in jail.it's awful that they end up in prison for trying to save animals,and not hurting anyone.the sentences they get are shocking,it is not a rarity for them to get more than murderers and rapists do.that's crazy.
besides getting ready for the stall,i have had a few orders from work colleagues (mainly stocking fillers for their family/friends) which is awesome,but which means i have to put those before the fair,as they need the presents as soon as possible,so they can get their christmas shopping all wrapped up (quite literally!).but the extra money is helping me buy materials(and eat!)too.
so,all is busy,but i'm loving it.i'm thinking that it won't always be this hectic,as most of the orders are christmas presents,but i will try and find 'business' some way else after the festive season!i'm keeping an eye on the local,and not-so-local,craft/vegan and veggie fairs,hoping i can book a stall in advance.i have a stall at one of mikee's gigs next week,which should be fun.there's a couple of other stalls which i think will make it an awesome event.a local psychobilly band called the cowboy and the corpse will be headlining,so it should be super fun!i am then also hoping to do a stall at a monthly craft fair in newport at a place called le pub(which is,coincidentally,a pub!).that should be awesome too.eeee,so exciting!
i am also hoping to set up a website for dolly dearest soon,mikee has a friend who has offered to design it for me.
so...it's all go!but it's super fun,and hopefully i will make some money at the fair this weekend for the prisoners who have sacrificed their freedom for the animals.
phew!
are there any of you whose blog i am not following?if so,please tell me so i can!it's just occurred to me now,i may not have started to follow you...yet.but i will!just give me a gentle shove in the right direction.always makes me feel a little put-out if i'm following someone but they're not following me!x
has been a little shitty.i sat here just now,trying to think of a less negative way to describe it.but to hell with it,shitty is probably the plainest way to describe it!it has been shitty for a few reasons:
i knew my mom was ill last week (i can usually tell as she won't answer her phone if she's feeling ill),and was really worried and upset.my mom has very severe rheumatoid arthritus and has since her early twenties.despite having both elbow joints and her knee replaced,she is still,some days,racked with pain.other days,there is pain,but no so bad.i finally got through to her today,and amongst discussions of many other things,she told me how bad it was.on friday she was in bed all day.she finally got an appointment with the doctor late friday afternoon,and they gave her a steroid injection,which always helps for a little while.she said she was in so much pain,she could barely speak to the doctor.i know how bad my mom's illness can be.she lives alone,and lives a very solitary life.this kills me.this literally breaks my heart,over and over.it is too complicated to go into,it spans many years and many emotions.but the thought of my mom on friday,in bed and alone,wracked with pain...it is almost too much for me to think about.am i being melodramatic?and do you think this kind of subject is too private to air on a 'public' internet site?i do wonder sometimes...but the followers on my blog...as silly as it sounds,i feel a connection of some sort to you all.and most importantly,i want this blog to be totally honest.and this is what today has been like.
my twin brother has recently left his long term girlfriend of almost six years.it has been a messy and painful split,from what i know (of course you never really know unless you are one of the people in the relationship).he is having trouble now with his ex-girlfriend,related to money,and rent for what was their home together.i spoke to my twin earlier,and he sounds stressed out.it's not nice to hear.and there's nothing i can do,and nothing he would let me do.it is not my place.it is between my brother and his ex-girlfriend.the whole situation is also having effects on all of us,his family,we of course want him to be happy,and also feel sadness for his ex-girlfriend,who has said she did not want this to happen.relationships ending are painful,long before you bring money and other basic issues into it.
mikee and i argued today,over a stupid case of him not doing his share of the household chores.this may sound silly,but it does get to me sometimes.especially as it means i feel a sort of resentment,and i am also very busy at the moment trying to get ready for the xmas fair.so to save this resentment building up,and me hiding it,i have tried to reasonably sort out some kind of 'sharing' when it comes to cleaning and tidying.for some reason ( i say this,as mikee is not stupid,and is not overly untidy) mikee just refuses to do his bit sometimes.and it gets to me.i feel like a mug for putting up with it.so we argued.and we haven't spoke since near to 5pm.it's almost 11.30pm now.i don't know about any of you,but that's a long time to keep an argument up,and sit in a room silently with the person you do actually adore.hating it right now.
and lastly,my nan.my dad said she is doing a lot better,and i even said hello to her on the phone.she sounded a lot better,it was almost like the old times,where i would ring her every other day to chat to her.i miss those times.i just hope my nan continues to be well.
apologies if my last few posts have been long and rambling,that's what happens sometimes i think when you're really writing from the heart.
i'm now in bed,with the two boys curled up to me.i am so grateful for what i have.but i think it is only normal to have super shitty days!
hope you are all well and happy :) xxxx
sitting here with my cup of tea,and waiting for both my hair and nail varnish to dry,so thought i'd do an update.
today has been worrying,and a little sad.my nan who is 95,had a fall last night and was sick through the night.apparently the morphine that she had been prescribed for her cancer gave her some awful side effects.my nan isn't aware she has cancer.this may sound strange but her mind has rapidly gone downhill,i don't like to use the word 'dementia',it doesn't feel right,she's my dad's mother,my nan.i don't like to refer to her by a condition.but it seems pointless to try and tell her she has cancer again (she had it probably close to 50 years ago) when she will most likely not understand it.why worry her?in not many cases is ignorance preferable,but i think this may be an exception to the rule.but basically,it's her age.95,that is a hard age to even comprehend.so anyway,it was a rough night for my dad and his sister and her family.apparently my nan even stopped breathing at some points.but she got through the night and they put her to bed at 7am.my dad text me asking him to call him.i got the text when i woke up,around 10am.because of my nan's age,i am always expecting 'that text'.so i thought it may be the time.i called my dad back and he explained the situation.i called my auntie,who was at my nans,and spoke to her.they said she was in bed asleep.my brother then called me and we talked about it all.
i offered to go home several times.i feel so useless here.i know i can't do much physically,but i want to be there for my dad.my dad is my absolute rock,and i want to be his.my dad,and my brother,said there was no need to go back,not yet.but times like this,i realise just how selfish my decision to come and live in cardiff was.i feel like i have deserted my family.and i don't know how to solve this.i would move nearer.cardiff means a lot to me,but it's just a location,a place.home is where the heart is.but.mikee has made it clear he would not move to the west midlands with me (where i come from).i won't go too much into this,but this is hard to comprehend,and hard to understand.because should something come up (like my mom waiting for chest x-ray results the other week,there was a slight suspicion that it could be cancer again-she has also been through cancer),i was thinking whether i could go back,at least for a few months,to be there for my mom,and my family.luckily,and i am so thankful,it turned out to be fine.but the discussion mikee and i had was a little unsettling.as much as i love mikee,and want to be with him for always,we are very different people,and i can't always understand his thinking.i know i would go anywhere for him,i would.and i would do anything for him.sometimes it's hard,when you realise that some people aren't like that.as much as they love you,they can't give you 101%.maybe i give too much.maybe i shouldn't,after the awful 5 year relationship i had previously,maybe i should have learned my lesson,not to give all of myself away...but no.this is who i am.i give my all.and i'm not changing that part of me.
so,today has been a worry.everything seems to have settled down.i am so upset for my nan.but i guess because i know my nan is not quite as 'aware',i am thinking a lot of my dad.to watch his mother go through this (my dad has been going to his mother's every day for over 10 years without fail,since my grandad passed away),to see her finding it hard to breathe,to see her mind slipping away...it must be heartbreaking.i love my nan,i love my dad.i wish there was something i could do.
i don't want this post to be all negative and sad.i am thankful that my nan seems to be settled for now.so,onto some slightly more trivial,but cheerful,parts of my day.mikee and i popped into town as mikee was playing a gig tonight with spider kitten (his friend's band...think they're kinda 'doom'y sounding),and needed some stuff for his drums.i needed some more glue,and some diaries!so we had a walk into cardiff city centre,which was crazy busy,just horrendous.i don't like it that busy,when just walking through town is difficult...so we did what we needed to do and headed home.phew!but we did sneak in some food from holland & barrett,an italiano slice/pastie for me,and a 'sos' roll for mikee(both vegan of course).
we got back around 1.30(we'd headed into town pretty late anyway)and watched 'the condemned',which i've seen before and just got round to buying as it was super cheap at whsmith.it looks really cheesy,and it is a little...it has 'stone cold' steve austin and vinnie jones in it...lame!and it is super violent...actually made me cringe at times.i can stomach gore/violence but i have always had a dislike of violence where it is a group of people against one...makes my stomach churn.i can't explain it.and prolonged violence too.maybe why i hate gangster films so much?:S anyway,the film has a good meaning really...i think it's basically turning a mirror to society,to us...and saying,what will we NOT watch,where will we draw the line...it's an interesting film...underneath the cheesiness,the brutal violence...and the nickelback soundtrack.seriously!
after the film,mikee had to get ready and set out for his gig,which was in 'the valleys',not far from cardiff.i got to work on customising journals for my xmas fair stall,and i think (i wasn't counting as such!) i made around 14 of them...once i get started i lose myself in it...oh,and i watched a streamed copy of new moon whilst busy crafting!i adore new moon.i could watch it over and over (probably good as it will give my copy of twilight a break!)
and finally,around 9.30 (around 5 hours after i started),i decided to call it a night and have a nice hot shower.but not before i sat with hairdye on my head for half an hour (i'm a mousy brown girl naturally,eek) and painting my nails with a lovely glittery red barry m nail polish i got today.i LOVE barry m!and most of their products are vegan,which is awesome!it was 3 for 2 in superdrug today,so i got super sparkly red,zombie type green,and a 'metallic' black liquid eyeliner...interested to see how it differs from the standard black eyeliner,hmmm:)
all in all,it's been a day of mixed emotions,unfortunately most of them sad...but i am trying to keep focused on being there for my dad,and keeping busy with my xmas fair preparations.
